"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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