Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize