I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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