theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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