We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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