Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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