I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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