you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
