got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
