During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
smell my finger.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We need to get me chipped asap
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
