I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
it hurts more in the daytime
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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