this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
