3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cockslap morals
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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