I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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