doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
