I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
