Having a random hookup so left but love u
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
