his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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