So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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