so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
