If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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