my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
