I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
