Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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