I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
