Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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