what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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