The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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