If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
