i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't think brook has ever known best
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
