The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
