My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
