Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
