oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
this is an emotional support booty call
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
