Even water is tasting like jack daniels
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
