Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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