garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
just come out here and I will go home with you...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
