So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
