i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i think im in europe. pls send help
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
