Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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