For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
