Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
