So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
