i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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