I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize