I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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