i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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