Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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