Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
