I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i think i have two assholes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize