dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize