sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
