one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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