I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
