HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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