Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
