Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
