I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
