If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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