Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
only you would photoshop your dick
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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