Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
