I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
